Stanford psychologist reveals that effective couples employ this potent device to resolve disputes.

Upon hearing about the "rapoport technique," psychologist Caroline Fleck initially believed it would be a failure.

In couples therapy, a strategy created by renowned psychologist John Gottman involves one person expressing their viewpoint and the other writing it down before reading it back. If there are errors, the speaker can correct them. Afterward, they switch roles.

Stanford University's adjunct clinical instructor Fleck, who is also the author of the upcoming book "Validation," couldn't comprehend how the exercise was intended to aid people during a heated argument.

"She stated, "I am stepping in to resolve the conflict and complete a writing task." She added, "I anticipated that this would not turn out well.""

"She was taken aback by its success," she remarks. "It's one of the most potent tools in my therapeutic toolkit," she adds.

According to Fleck, when couples slow down and listen to their partner's perspective, they are validating their experience, which is often missing when trying to resolve a stalemate.

'They start really listening'

Fleck says that validation is often misunderstood and confused for praise or approval. In reality, it's simply acknowledging that another person's experiences are real.

During fights, it is crucial to validate one's perspective.

"Fleck remarks that during a 20-minute argument, individuals are merely repeating the same points. Despite presenting their ideas in different ways, they persist in repeating the same point because they feel unheard."

Demonstrating that you are truly listening to your partner involves accurately recording what they say.

"She says that the couples stopped presenting their counterargument and began truly listening. It's not necessary for them to comprehend or share the other person's perspective, but she simply wants them to hear it."

Immediately decreasing tension is the first step toward finding a solution through recognition.

'We have this innate negativity bias'

This exercise can help combat the perception that arguments often escalate because people feel judged.

Fleck states that without acceptance, individuals are unlikely to address the issues they need to work on.

Rewritten sentence: Can you please provide me with the necessary information to assist you?

"Our innate negativity bias, which is adaptive in evolution, causes us to focus on what we don't like in relationships and what can be fixed, but in relationships it leads to disaster because we tend to focus on what's wrong," she explains.

Stripping the conversation of judgement by acknowledging your partner's mood or experience is difficult.

Once both parties feel understood, it's easier to work toward a solution.

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