I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

In college, my friend would consistently ridicule my sense of direction. Regardless of the direction I took, my initial step was always met with the comment: "You have no idea where you're heading."

To her, the comment was innocuous. I couldn't stand it.

Although we were close friends, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that the jab made me feel incompetent. It seemed too dramatic to address something so small. So, I let quiet resentment build until one day I snapped at her.

Dealing with unwelcome observations can be frustrating, but there are more effective ways to handle it than suppressing your annoyance and becoming cranky.

Why it's so hard to admit your feelings are hurt

According to June Tangney, a psychology professor at George Mason University, whose research centers on shame and guilt, a sharp remark can leave you feeling diminished.

"When we experience hurt, it is often due to rejection, criticism, or being put down in some way. This is not just embarrassment but rather shame. People who feel shame may believe they are flawed in some way."

"Anger and conflict can arise when feelings are hurt, as there may be a sense of rejection and inadequacy hidden within," Tangney explains.

Although everyone experiences having their feelings hurt, expressing that someone's words upset you can be embarrassing, according to Judy Ho, a neuropsychologist and professor at Pepperdine University.

"Connections and relationships are essential to our humanity, even though we may not want to admit it," Ho says. "It's okay to admit that someone's words affected you, as it happens to everyone."

'Help me understand'

Communication expert Matt Abrahams suggests treating a hurtful comment or joke as a problem that can be solved with your friend.

When you believe your friend made an insensitive remark, consider their perspective. If you struggle to comprehend their reasoning, Abrahams advises seeking their assistance with the phrase "Help me understand..."

To ensure a productive dialogue that leads to mutual comprehension, he recommends following these steps.

1. Abrahams advises that it's common to have an emotional reaction and the urge to respond immediately, but taking a moment to give yourself space can help you focus your thoughts.
2. "Determine if the person's intent was admirable, even if their expression was unclear," suggests Abrahams.
3. Invite your friend to collaborate in addressing the issue by starting the dialogue with "Help me understand." This indicates that you're hurt, but willing to work it out.

If the relationship is based on mutual respect, the other person may appreciate being informed that a joke made you feel uncomfortable.

"Using direct communication can improve our relationship with this important person, as validated by Ho," says the speaker.

Perhaps it would have been a smoother process if I had taken a beat, considered her intentions, and approached her from a place of understanding rather than aggression. Eventually, my friend and I worked past this spat.

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