Esther Perel Dispels the Top Myth About Couples Therapy

In her podcast "Where Should We Begin?," Esther Perel provides an in-depth look at couples therapy.

A common misunderstanding is that Perel functions as a psychological repairman to mend relationships.

"Perel remarks that individuals often arrive at her therapy sessions with the belief that she is a drop-off center for resolving relationship issues. They bring their problems to therapy, specifically concerning their partner, and expect her to fix their partner's behavior."

This mindset doesn't help in resolving issues and can worsen the relationship.

Perel inquires about the contributions of each partner in the stalemate that led to their involvement with her.

'What is your accountability?'

If you and your partner are attending couples therapy, it's likely because you're experiencing a monotonous and recurring pattern of events. In essence, you feel trapped.

"Perel explains that being stuck in a relationship means that the individuals have become trapped in fixed patterns of interaction, with cycles of blame, defense, criticism, and escalation becoming increasingly rigid. This can lead to a situation where they have repeated the same words or actions for years, believing that if they do it again, it will finally bring about change. However, Perel emphasizes that this approach is ineffective, as it does not lead to growth or resolution."

According to Perel, a more effective way to show up to couples therapy is to discuss your own actions rather than recreating a conflict and expecting a therapist to declare a right and wrong party.

"Perel asks, "What will go a long way is when you come in and you say what you have done that made things not good. What is your accountability?""

When both of you are truthful about your mistakes, you can change your behavior and break the cycle.

A common misconception about couples therapy is that a therapist's role is to dictate actions for the couple.

Perel believes her role is to inspire change, not to dictate its specifics.

"The motivation of people to change is what you're dealing with," she states.

If you want to resolve conflicts with your partner, it's important to take responsibility for your actions and be willing to adjust the way you communicate or perceive them.

If you persist in doing the same actions, you will consistently obtain the same outcomes.

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