Expert advice from an Ivy League parenting expert on how to strengthen children's mental resilience.

According to Dr. Tovah Klein, the secret to raising content and successful adults is by helping your children build resilience to overcome life's challenges.

According to child psychologist, author, and director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, Klein, resilience is not a fixed trait but rather a dynamic process.

According to Klein, resilience is the capacity to adapt, adjust, and be flexible in the face of challenges with an open mind. While it is challenging for everyone, it is particularly difficult for children, and it is a skill that develops over time.

Experts suggest that it is beneficial to help children develop resilience, as it increases their confidence in bouncing back from failure and their motivation to take risks, according to research.

In her new book "Raising Resilience," published in September, Klein discusses how parents can adjust their own expectations and cultivate nurturing relationships to help their children cope with adversity and uncertainty. According to Klein, the goal is to help children handle life's challenges and feel supported.

In her book, Klein outlines the "five pillars of resilience" and offers guidance for parents on how to help their children develop the mental fortitude necessary for future success.

1. Building trust

Trust is crucial in child-parent relationships, according to Klein. When a child trusts that their parent will always be there to support them, they can gain the confidence to believe in themselves and others.

Building trust can be a slow process, but it often speeds up during challenging times, such as when scolding a child for not following rules while still expressing love for them, according to Klein.

She adds, "'They're going to love me even when I'm falling down, even when I'm not listening,'" realizing that children understand this.

By demonstrating to your child that they can rely on you during challenging times, they will develop resilience when faced with adversity in the future.

2. Regulating emotions

Parents should listen to their children's emotions and validate their feelings when they seem upset, while children should feel comfortable enough to share their feelings with their parents, particularly during difficult times, according to Klein.

Parenting experts suggest that as children become more comfortable discussing their emotions, parents can aid them in learning to manage those feelings. As they grow older, kids who are skilled at regulating their emotions are more likely to be resilient in the face of adversity, rather than breaking down.

"Parents can aid children in their continuous learning about emotions by identifying them and being comfortable with feeling those emotions, especially the negative ones, according to Klein."

"Can I experience these emotions, feel these emotions, not feel ashamed of them, and then learn to manage them?" she asks.

3. Developing independence

As children develop confidence, they increasingly desire autonomy from their parents. However, Klein emphasizes that nurturing independence requires more than just leaving kids to their own devices.

Parents should adopt an "authoritative" style of parenting to provide their children and teens with the security they need to develop confidence and face the world's challenges, according to Klein's book.

By discussing their emotions with their kids and allowing them to have a say in setting boundaries, Klein believes that children's self-confidence and independence can be strengthened. This feeling of security enables them to venture out into the world, take risks, make mistakes, and establish their own unique identity.

According to Klein, the path to independence for teenagers can be challenging, but it's important to remain close or available to them.

4. Connecting to others

According to Harvard's Robert Waldinger, developing and maintaining relationships with others, including friends and peers, is crucial to our overall well-being.

"According to Klein, children develop trust and self-confidence in relationships with others, and empathy and compassion emerge from interactions with individuals beyond their parental relationships."

To help your children develop their social skills, Klein suggests organizing play dates and group activities, and engaging in games that require cooperation.

Demonstrating resilience through social skills can involve having a respectful disagreement with your spouse or calmly resolving a conflict with a stranger instead of losing your cool.

5. Being understood

Your child's self-acceptance and love for themselves are dependent on feeling fully accepted, and your heightened self-awareness as a parent can aid in this, according to Klein. Despite your belief in being open-minded, your desires for your children can impact how you judge them.

"According to Klein, children can sense when they have disappointed us. The mistake we make is assuming that we are more transparent about our expectations for our child than we actually are."

Parents should reflect on their own behavior and adjust their expectations of their children, advises Klein. She suggests that parents should be mindful of their own critical thoughts towards their children, even if they don't express them explicitly.

Instead of emphasizing results, many psychologists suggest praising children's processes. This approach can help kids understand that their efforts are valued, even when they don't achieve the desired outcome, such as a low test score or not making the varsity sports team.

Rewritten: For many parents, self-reflection and rethinking expectations can be a challenging process, according to Klein. However, she emphasizes that it is a crucial aspect of child-rearing: "Can we truly see and accept our children for who they are?" she asks. "This is fundamental to helping a child develop into a confident and self-assured adult."

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