A therapist and mother of two shares the secret to raising emotionally intelligent children who can handle any challenges life throws their way.
Have you ever advised your child not to cry or stated, "Don't be sad"? It's a natural response for caring parents who wish their children to be content. However, it's crucial to educate children on how to handle their entire spectrum of emotions.
I assist families in coping with significant life difficulties, such as cancer, death, or community tragedies, as a child life specialist and therapist.
Most parents desire their kids to possess emotional intelligence, despite wishing they could fix things for them. They want their children to learn how to better express and manage their emotions.
Parents can raise emotionally intelligent children by following a secret formula, regardless of life's challenges.
Name and validate emotions
To become emotionally intelligent, children need to comprehend what emotions are. Typically, they acquire this knowledge from trusted adults and caregivers. Consider how you handle and express emotions such as irritation and anxiety. Your actions set an example. The more you openly discuss feelings, including your own, the more comfortable such conversations will be for the whole family. Use "I-statements" to demonstrate naming and expressing your own emotions.
Although we're running late due to traffic, it's crucial that we arrive safely.
To help kids develop their emotional vocabulary, start with simple feelings like happy, sad, and mad, and incorporate visuals such as faces and colors. As they grow, use detective work to understand their behavior and encourage them to use the words they've learned. Over time, their emotional vocabulary will expand to include more complex feelings like frustrated, confused, embarrassed, and disappointed.
Rewritten: To help kids feel seen and heard, it's important to validate their feelings, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. One way to do this is by repeating back exactly what you see or hear, like "You're upset because it's time to go home" or "You're feeling nervous about going on the big slide."
It is important to regularly check in with family members about their emotions and well-being. For younger children, using an emotion meter or chart can be a helpful tool.
Model and practice coping skills
After children grasp the fundamentals of emotions, they can start comprehending how to manage them. To demonstrate this, you can use "I-statements" to show them how you handle your own emotions. For instance, you could say, "I feel overwhelmed because I have a lot to do today, and I'm going to take a deep breath and organize my thoughts."
If kids practice their skills regularly at home, they will have an easier time using them and their feelings will be normalized, allowing for healthy coping strategies.
Strategies can be incorporated into daily life or play, such as teaching deep breaths to kids as young as one year old.
To help kids learn the benefits of belly breathing, they can take three deep breaths before bed and place a stuffed animal on their belly. They can also use pinwheels, bubbles, expandable balls, and their imagination to pretend to blow out birthday candles. This can help kids learn the positive effects of breathing on their nervous system without explicitly discussing it.
Preschoolers may find it enjoyable to create a designated area where they can apply the techniques and skills they have acquired.
When they commit an error, offer them a "do-over" that emphasizes the importance of managing their emotions appropriately. For instance, you could say, "Uh-oh, can you say that in a calmer tone?" or "I see you're upset. Can you shut the door more gently?"
By using positive discipline and encouraging children to "get it right," we can shift away from feelings of shame and guilt and instead foster a sense of self-worth and competence.
As they grow older, children with high emotional intelligence will be able to assert their own needs and protect themselves from mistreatment. They will also prioritize self-care in a challenging environment.
Take the long view
Raising an emotionally intelligent child involves more than just handling their emotions in the present; it's about giving them the skills they need for successful relationships and emotional stability in the future.
Nurturing a robust emotional lexicon and promoting healthy coping mechanisms helps cultivate resilient, compassionate individuals capable of flourishing amid life's challenges.
Rewriting the sentence: Starting small is the key to raising emotionally intelligent children.
Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who offers tailored support, counseling, and resources to families affected by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and daily stress. She is the owner of a private practice, a mother of two, the author of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.
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