A therapist and mom of two shares five emotionally intelligent phrases to use when discussing difficult topics with children.

As a parent, you've likely encountered the challenge of determining the appropriate time and manner in which to convey difficult news to your child, such as an impending relocation, a family illness or death, or a local tragedy.

While providing support to kids doesn't mean avoiding conversations about current events or suppressing emotions, it's crucial to recognize that kids may feel more anxious when they feel they can't discuss what's happening with their trusted adults.

As a dual-certified child life specialist and therapist and the creator of The Method Workbooks, I help parents navigate challenging conversations with their children about topics like cancer and food allergies. These conversations can actually foster trust, alleviate fear, enhance coping skills, and strengthen connections.

Parents who are emotionally intelligent use these five phrases when having challenging conversations with their kids.

1. 'I have something important to talk to you about'

Providing kids with a warning before tough talks can help them prepare their nervous systems for the change in conversation.

What is the context of the sentence? What is the topic being discussed? What is the intended audience?

• "Have you learned about ______?"
• "What do you know about ______?"
• "Have you noticed ______?"
• "Is anyone talking about ______?"

You should be aware that we can discuss this.

Children rely on their trusted adults to guide them on how to think and feel about a specific topic. If they believe it's forbidden to discuss it, they may suppress their questions or emotions or turn to an untrustworthy or inaccurate source for information.

The primary objective of engaging in challenging discussions with children is to foster open and truthful dialogue. Act as a reliable and encouraging companion who motivates them to ask questions at their own pace.

I created a hands-on tool called "The Dot Method" workbook to help parents and caregivers talk to their children about cancer. My colleague Jessica Correnti has a list of other recommendations.

By following your child's lead, you can discover what they want to learn more about and address their emotions and concerns as they arise.

3. 'All feelings are okay'

It's okay for kids to experience, express, and process a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and worry during challenging times. It's also natural to have happy moments amidst hard times.

By demonstrating healthy coping skills and validating children's feelings, parents can role model for their kids how to manage difficult emotions.

Teaching kids and teens about using strategies such as deep breathing and mindfulness to self-regulate can help them manage big or uncomfortable emotions and improve their ability to think clearly and function properly.

• To help young kids learn belly breathing, you can use toys like pinwheels or bubbles or encourage them to use their imagination, such as pretending they're blowing out birthday candles.
• Teach kids how to breathe deeply using the 5-5-5 technique, which involves inhaling for five seconds, holding for five seconds, and exhaling for five seconds.

Incorporating regular highs and lows, establishing sleep routines, creating boundaries, and taking down time to rest and recharge can make these strategies more easily accessible when needed.

4. 'We can choose ______'

Providing kids with choices can help them feel more in control and included during challenging times.

You might say something like:

• "We cannot choose _______, but we have the option to choose either ______ or ______."
• "While we need to pack our bags immediately, we have the option to select a song or show to watch during the process."

We can use words like "let's" and "we" to make kids feel a sense of unity.

5. 'We're going to get through this together'

Facing challenging circumstances together as a family can strengthen connections. It's important for children to understand that they are not isolated and are an integral part of the family.

No matter the results, they'll be cherished.

Encouraging play, nature, movement, fun, and creative outlets can help foster joy and resilience.

To ensure that kids receive consistent warmth and understanding across their settings, it's important to inform other adults in their life about the approach and topics being discussed in their support circle.

The key takeaway: Normalize these discussions

Hard things will inevitably face both kids and adults, regardless of their size or intensity.

Rewritten: By using these phrases during challenging discussions, children can establish trust with their parents, experience a sense of belonging, and better manage their emotions.

Discussing uncomfortable topics with kids can help them feel more comfortable and less alone in their thoughts and worries.

Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who offers tailored support, counseling, and resources to families affected by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and daily stress. She is the owner of a private practice, a mother of two, the author of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.

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