A relationship therapist with 20 years of experience reveals the one thing mentally strong couples should never do.

To maintain a healthy relationship, it is essential to engage in weekly date nights and use each other's "love language." However, nothing will work if you continue with counterproductive habits.

By assisting individuals and couples in developing mental resilience for over 20 years, I have witnessed firsthand how it can enhance partnerships, foster mutual growth, and enhance relationships.

Mentally strong couples avoid using their emotions as weapons, according to my research.

What this toxic habit looks like

In a healthy relationship, both individuals can openly communicate their emotions while maintaining respect for each other's perspectives. However, some people may unintentionally manipulate situations or conflicts through their emotions.

How many of these statements sound familiar to you or your partner?

• To stop my partner from discussing a challenging topic, I cried during our conversation.
• During our conversation, my partner and I had a disagreement, and I showed my frustration because I wanted them to see things from a different perspective.
• I've attempted to employ shame to prompt my partner to modify their actions.
• I informed my partner that certain relationship topics are too emotionally charged for us to discuss.
• I’ve used the silent treatment when I’m angry.
• I informed my partner of my fragility and requested that they handle certain things with care.

If these behaviors resonate with either of you, you may be employing your emotions as weapons.

Why we do it and how to stop

Using emotions as weapons is a common tactic, with people employing it to achieve their desired outcomes. For instance, if someone wants to avoid doing something, they may claim to be anxious. Alternatively, if you want your partner to stop talking, you might raise your voice.

While these tactics may be effective in achieving your goals, they can also be harmful and cloud the truth.

To temporarily suppress internal chaos, some individuals may use emotional expressions to manipulate others.

Try these communication strategies instead:

1. Create emotional rules for your home

If your partner is open to a discussion, discuss your unofficial house rules and if there are any changes they'd like to make.

I have observed that we tend to slam doors when we are upset in this household. Perhaps it would be beneficial to explore alternative ways of expressing our anger without causing such disruption.

2. Respect, acknowledge and take care of each other’s feelings

Don't let your partner's behavior control your actions, even if you give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's important to respect their emotions, but ultimately, they are responsible for how they handle them. By starting from this perspective, you can establish a stronger sense of trust.

If things start to get charged, you can say things like:

• It's acceptable to feel angry, but it's not acceptable to shout at me.
• It's acceptable to experience sadness, but disregarding me is not acceptable.
• It's acceptable to be upset, but it's not acceptable to insult me.

3. Come up with a plan together

If you've been presented with a job opportunity that requires relocation, and your partner is unhappy about the prospect of moving, how do you navigate this decision?

Would you be willing to compromise and move to the new place, but only come home on weekends to avoid upsetting your partner?

When it comes to making relationship decisions, there is no scientific formula to follow. However, it is crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner about your feelings. It is also important to consider both of your emotions when addressing issues together.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker, and instructor at Northeastern University. She is the author of two books, "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" and "13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do." Her TEDx talk "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong" is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

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