A public speaking expert suggests the ideal reaction to passive-aggressive behavior.

Your co-worker, whom you usually get along with, shunned you at lunch and grunted when you offered to buy him a coffee. It's evident that he's upset with you, but he's not confronting the issue.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a common trait among people who struggle with conflict resolution. As a public speaking trainer, I have discovered that the most effective way to handle passive-aggression is to neutralize it with direct and open communication.

With practice, your fear of confrontation will diminish, but this requires bravery.

A simple question to stop passive-aggressive behavior

When dealing with passive-aggressiveness, stay calm and do three things:

1. Speak with the person in a private setting where you can both be candid.
2. I'm concerned about your body language and vocal tone. It seems like you're feeling stiff and defensive. I want to make sure you know that I'm genuinely concerned and operating in good faith. I don't want to come across as threatening.
3. What's bothering you?

If the person reveals their source of upset, you can quickly resolve the issue.

Successfully managing this moment requires you to ask the question and then remain silent to listen.

How to give a meaningful apology when it’s needed

Before responding to your colleague, take a moment to process their response. It may not align with your expectations or seem fair, but it's important to understand their perspective before reacting.

If someone is upset due to a valid reason, handle the situation diplomatically. A genuine apology should not involve an excuse or a defense, but rather a focus on what you did wrong.

I apologize for any inconvenience caused.

• I'm sorry, I had no idea. Why didn't you inform me?
• I apologize, I didn't consider that possibility. You are correct, I will make sure not to do it again.

Rewritten sentence: Can you please provide me with more information about the project?

Thank you for answering. I appreciate your time. I will definitely consider what you said. Is our relationship important to you?

In the end, you can only control your own behavior

If you ask a question and receive a shrug and "Oh, nothing is wrong" in response, it can be frustrating.

If your colleague is afraid of conflict or more focused on maintaining their anger than resolving it, at least you've identified it and made it more challenging for them to deny its significance.

You've been direct and clear about your willingness to discuss further whenever they're ready, and for now, you're allowing the situation to unfold naturally.

John Bowe is a speech trainer, award-winning journalist, and author of "I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in an Age of Disconnection." He has contributed to The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, GQ, McSweeney's, This American Life, and many others. Check out his website here.

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